If you’re unfamiliar with my movie reviews, here’s the way it works: I go check out the latest movie everyone is talking about, drink an astonishing amount of diet soda, and then report back to you, looking for as many things to make fun of as this space allows, while trying to strike a balance with the positive highlights. Welcome. Let’s get started.
THE GOOD: What we have here is an attempt at taking the most mild-mannered and somewhat pathetic princess in history, and giving her a backbone. This is not your childhood fairy tale version, with whistling dwarves and a helpless girl in a dress, running around with her hand over her mouth, always looking surprised. It’s a much darker and creepier scene playing out, which frankly adds to the appeal in my opinion.
Left motherless as a small child, Snow White (played by Kristin Stewart) has to adjust to life with her stepmother Raveena (Charlize Theron) who is the epitome of the word, “self absorbed”. When it becomes clear that Mommy Dearest has nothing good in store for her, Snow White escapes into the forest where she encounters all sorts of creepy things brought on by hallucinogenic spores, and where she also first meets the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth), who is somewhat a nice hallucination of sorts himself. Sent to kill her, the Huntsman is faced with the decision of serving the wicked Queen, or helping Snow White escape. And as the bad boy he is, you can imagine what he chooses to do.
There were a lot of positive’s in this film for me—-the visual effects were stunning, and Charlize Theron is so terrifying as the Queen that I found myself considering ways to make myself less attractive so I wouldn’t risk encountering her soul sucking vanity. I even have to admit that Kristin Stewart, who I am not particularly impressed with as an actress, was perfect for the role—-not only because it required very little facial expression, but because THIS Snow White isn’t exactly “girly”—and let’s face it, Ms. Stewart has never been known for acting ladylike. And to round things out, Chris Hemsworth with a Scottish accent is the stuff dreams are made of. Thank you.
THE BAD: I mentioned previously that there were no whistling dwarves in this version, but rest assured that dwarves ARE present and accounted for—-they just aren’t particularly cute and snuggly little buggers. I didn’t mind the fact that they were all a little rough looking, but I found myself completely unable to understand what they were saying from time to time. I’m still not sure if it was the British accents or if they were all, in fact, a bunch of mumblers.
THE UGLY: There was certainly no shortage of icky things to see in this movie: Stabbings, internal organ removals, and the Queen eating the still warm heart of a dead animal to name a few. Still, when you are faced with the glaring possibility that the Queen and her weirdo brother seem to have some sort of incestuous thing going on, all else pales in comparison. I don’t have a brother, but if I did, I’d like to think that he wouldn’t feel the need to watch me take a bath, nor would I feel inclined to chat it up with him as I step into a giant pool of milk. But that’s just how I roll.
Bottom line, if you like your fairy tales on the darker side, with the fair maiden being less “helpless” and more “ragged mess”, then this is the version for you.